This should be said and not read.

Joe sees his friend Jim eating a hamburger.
"Hey Jim! I thought you were on a sea food diet."
"I am. Whenever I see food, I eat."

While vacationing in the country, Sam took a stroll through the woods every day. Each day he came upon an old Native American sitting absolutely motionless, staring out across a beautiful lake. On the last day of his vacation curiosity got the better of him so he walked up to the old man and said, "How!"
"How!"
"Excuse me for disturbing you but you've been sitting here for at least 6 days now. What are you doing?
"Not 6 days," the old man replied. "Seven months. I'm letting my life pass in review, day by day, minute for minute"
"I see," said Sam somewhat skeptically."And tell me, what did you have for breakfast on this day 25 years ago?"
"Can't say," the old man answered. "Haven't got that far yet."
"Well, 50 years ago."
"Eggs."
"Un hun." Sam mumbled with doubt in his voice. "Well, have a nice day." He left the old man sitting and continued on his way.
The following year Sam returned to the same place for his vacation. On the first day he went for a walk in the woods again and came upon the same old man sitting at the lake side. Sam approached the man and said, "How!"
"Fried, sunny side up." replied the old man.

Practice safe eating -- always use condiments!

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender." The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?" The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads." "Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder ... those are friars!"

A preacher was giving a sermon against the evils of drinking. With a great expression he said,
"And if I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." And with even greater emphasis he said,
" And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." And in conclusion he said,
" And if I had all the whisky in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river too"
He sat down with a satisfied look on his face.
The song leader then stood up very cautiously and announced, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn 365, 'Shall We Gather at the River?'

A waitress is explaining to a guest in the restaurant that the specialty of the day is calf tongue in beautiful port wine sauce.
The guest shakes his head and says, "I don't want anything that comes from an animal's mouth, just give me some eggs."

QUESTION: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? ANSWER: Pumpkin pi.

What did the female mushroom say about the male mushroom? He's a real fun guy.

Why didn't the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous TV newscaster?
—Because he was a commontater—

Three sons left their home in Italy, went out on their own to America and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they had been able to send back to their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for mamma." The second said," I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You know how religious Mamma has always been, and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him, and I had to contribute $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but it was worth every penny. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it." Soon thereafter, the three sons received a thank-you letter from Mom. "Nunzio," she wrote the first son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Antonio," she wrote the second, "I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so bored!" "Dearest Giovanni," she wrote to her third son, "You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was delicious!"

Fella goes into his favorite deli where the waiter immediately brings him a bowl of matzoh ball soup. The customer signals the waiter to come back.
"Taste the soup!" he commands.
"Why?" inquires the surprised waiter.
"Taste the soup!" comes the reply.
"Max, you've been coming in here every day for ten years. There's never been anything wrong with the soup."
"Taste the soup!"
"What's wrong, too much salt--not enough salt?"
"Taste the soup!"
"What, the matzo balls aren't fluffy enough for you?"
"TASTE THE SOUP!"
The waiter finally agrees, "All right all right, I'll taste the soup! Where's the spoon?"
"A-HA!" chortles Max.

A dietian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake"